I have always run anxious, seeking comfort wherever I could find it and struggling to self-soothe. Ask any of the people who know me best and you’ll surely get an answer along the lines of, ‘oh yes she was anxious even as a small child.’ I went through phases of being terrified of different things and different nightmare scenarios— getting kidnapped, my family getting kidnapped, bus drivers, severe weather storms etc. It didn’t have to make sense, but to me it was often all-consuming, totally enveloping and something I would think about constantly. It never really stopped either, if I’m being honest, now I just have a name for it: intrusive thoughts.

I’ve spent my whole life looking for ways to feel comfortable and safe in a world that often feels far from that. When I was younger, getting lost in a book was the best way to do that. But when I got older as part of one of the first ‘internet generations,’ TV quickly became a way to seek comfort. I still like to get lost in books as well, but over the years TV has beome my preference, as it’s a nice thing to keep you company when home alone to drown out the defeaning silence. I’ve spent years now always needing some sort of media on in the background when I’m cleaning or working or even sometimes when I’m just having downtime using my phone. I’m not exactly proud of it, but right now it’s the best coping mechanism I’ve got.

I remember the first time I watched the TV show Friends as a semi-adult— I watched a few episodes with my mom when I was younger— but the first time I really remember watching a whole episode was when I was in high school. There was a teacher who showed episodes of friends in her classroom most days at lunch, and so a group of girls and I began attending. We didn’t really have anything beter to do during the lunch hour and so it became a good way to pass the time.

Now, I can safely say Friends is my most-watched show of all-time. My hyperfixation with it really started in college, when my roommate had never seen an episode, and I insisted we watch the entire series since I had of course brought the box set on DVD. Curled up in our twin beds usually with a cup of tea or hot cocoa, we would watch episodes on my laptop and giggle together over the quippy one-liners and David Schwimmer’s physical comedy. These are some of my all time favorite memories from those early days of college. Watching friends with her was something I always looked forward to and made me feel safe in a big new world where I didn’t know anyone yet.

I adore this show so much that I had friends and family checking on me after Matthew Perry’s untimely death (I’m still reeling, tbh). Ask me any question about any episode, and I can guarantee I’ll know it. I played friends ‘scene it’ once and scared a bunch of my friends with my stupid amount of trivia knowledge. I even had a boss get me one of the best gifts of my life to-date, with a celebrity ‘cameo’ video from the actor who played Mr. Heckles, the grumpy downstairs neighbor. This show became my personality for a while, and to be totally honest, it’s a huge part of my life still and it still never fails to make me laugh. There’s something comforting about the 90s fashion, the set design, and of course, the idea that you could live across the hall from your best friends well into your 30s.

Fast forward a couple of years into college, when I was living in off-campus housing and needed to get to sleep at night, I started putting friends on in the background to drown out the silence. First, it was DVDs in my computer, and then it became streaming episodes online or on my phone as I changed with the times. In the years since then, I can’t seem to shake the fact that I need some sort of comfort show on to lull me to sleep. Now I know it’s not great sleep hygiene, falling asleep with a screen right next to your face. But these days, it’s like I’ve created some sort of Pavlov effect where when one of my comfort shows plays, even just hearing the audio can make me tired.

During this season, I have been struggling with the push-pull of wanting to try new shows versus the comfort of my favorite comfort re-watches. These days that includes Friends, Sex and the City, Gilmore Girls, and How I Met Your Mother. Instead of putting on something new like I have set out to do, I often find myself doing the opposite. The only thing I want do most days is put on a show I’ve seen a thousand times in the background while scrolling my phone. And often times, instead of creating the comforting feelings I was seeking, I sit there feeling bad about myself that I’m not taking in something new, learning something new, or watching something new to talk about later.

It creates this inescapable cycle where the feelings of anxiety I set out to run away from end up overtaking me because my indecision around starting something new paralyzes me. I fear that I might not like the new show, that I might waste my time, or that it might make me feel worse than my comfort shows— which is always what leads me to turn to the familiar well-worn path. I don’t know many other people with such obsessive tendencies as me when it comes to comfort re-watches, but I have found some creators on the internet who seem to have this hyperfixation. The only thing I can think is that it’s tied to my anxiety, and seeking out the familiar is how I’ve created a way to cope and self-soothe.

And this year, it’s been particularly bad. The only new show I’ve started and finished by myself this Fall has been Love Island Games, which was fun and chaotic but not exactly the most riveting thing to talk about with non-reality TV watchers, and it felt like the equivalent of only eating candy all day. I’ve watched a handful of Hallmark Christmas movies while doing some cozy cardio on the walking pad, but really I am craving something with more substance. With my anxiety on the high during these SAD months and darker days, it’s been harder and harder to push myself to watch something new.

Since starting this blog, I have found that when I post about an intention, I feel more inclined to do it once I hit publish. And even if I only have a handful of readers (seriously thank you to anyone who is reading my conent, I adore you for it), hitting ‘publish’ just helps me feel like I’ve put something out into the world and so I have to follow through on it.

So here’s my new resolution as we head into this winter season and the New Year ahead: I strive to watch 3 new shows or docu-series by the end of the year (at a minimum) and write my thoughts about them on here. Please shout out in the comments if you have any recommendations— I am always after new media to consume. First up on my list is Sex Lives of College Girls, Heartstopper, Sex Education, and the new docu-series on Netflix: Escaping Twin Flames. If you have any recommendations similar to those types of shows (or totally different, I’m open to anything), sign me up! Cheers to not letting my anxiety hold me back during these days lacking daylight.