Getting Diagnosed with ADHD in my 30s: The Trials & Triumphs

My 31st year has been an interesting one. I’ve started with a new therapist, began working with my first ever psychiatrist, and have really been trying to prioritize my mental health and wellness in a way I’ve never done before.

So halfway through the year, when it felt like none of the meds were working and I was left to ask myself, ‘does life really feel THIS hard for everyone?’ I had to ask another question: Was my disorganization, inability to keep to a schedule, complete tasks, and constant tardiness maybe a symptom of something else?

I have multiple friends and family members that have been diagnosed with ADHD, but for the most part, their symptoms were pretty obvious and noticeable. They were also frequently caught at a young age, like my younger brother, who very obviously was that kid in class that just could not sit still for the life of him. He was diagnosed in elementary school, and since he and I had pretty different personality traits, it didn’t occur to me that it might affect both of us, but in different ways.

My next major encounter with ADHD was upon meeting my husband. It was pretty clear to the both of us that he had always had ADHD and it had gone untreated most of his life. But, like my brother, he also displayed the classic signs: hyperfocus, getting really lost in something and being unable to pull himself away, difficulty starting challenging tasks. It just seemed to me that ADHD was something that I was up close and familiar with in the most traditional forms— and those its symptoms didn’t really apply to me, so I didn’t think much of it.

But towards the middle of 2023, I started to really have trouble working from home full time, I had to face some emerging truths. A couple things had come to the surface about my behavior, and they were impacting me in really noticeable ways. I often would start and not complete tasks even if I was right in the middle of something. I would always put off less-desireable things until it was pressing that I had to get them done. I was NEVER on time to save my life, often getting lost in an activity shortly before needing to leave the house and not mangaging to get out the door on time. In my rush to get out the door, I frequently forgot the one thing I was supposed to bring. I was disorganized, cluttered, my home and office was a mess— even though I was home all day— and I couldn’t seem to keep to a schedule to save my life. And let me tell you, these are not new things for me, but I just thought they were normal.

Realizing that maybe I was struggling more than the average person, I started to read more about it, and what I found shocked me. Shortly, I began to realize that these are all signs of ADHD, often underdiagnosed in women, (thanks TikTok). But what I didn’t realize is that there are multiple types of ADHD— and the way ADHD presents in women can be different. So it’s no wonder that I didn’t see myself in my husband or my brother’s diagnoses. They both have hyperactive or combined type ADHD, which presents with the classic, can’t sit still, foot tapping, fast-talking, always moving types. Though for me I shared in some of the disorganization and lack of focus they experienced, my day-to-day was a lot different, so it was hard to chalk it up to the same thing.

That also got me wondering if my experience growing up as a young woman affected my lack of diagnosis and general of knowledge about how ADHD shows up for women. This feeling was validated when I watched this incredible TEDx talk on ADHD in women by ADHD by Martha Barnard-Rae, where she says,

“One of the things about ADHD in women and girls is that hyperactivity can present very differently, so it’s much less likely to be in the body, and much more likely to be in the mind… So this looks like, headaches and stomachaches and sleepnlessness and anxiety. And young girls— because of the behavioral and societal standards that are placed on them at such a young age— they just mask them. They just mask these problems and hide them. We mask our symptoms of out of shame and we come up with strategies to work around them. And those strategies work— until they don’t.”

I think often about how I coped with my then un-diagnosed symptoms with masking: I was socialized to be quiet, well-behaved, sit still, be polite, and generally to not be a bother to anyone. So even when I was struggling with procrastinating in school and would stay up until the wee hours of the night finishing homework every week, I just thought— I just have to do it, I have to be perfect. I can’t fail and I can’t bother anyone by needing help. If I’m being honest, I think that a lot of the reason my ADHD wasn’t caught when I was younger was because I faked it pretty well. I managed to scrape through all my classes with decent grades, and even though I struggled through it all, I felt like I had to do it without needing help. This was a point of pride as well as shame— I pushed through because I had to, and I am stronger for it, but didn’t really think there was any other way.

But now, at the age of 31, faced with a world where working from home is very common, some of these unaddressed things started catching up to me. As Barnard-Rae said in the video, “those strategies work— until they don’t.” This was the year when I realized that the daily chaos I was living— which left me feeling like I was flying by the seat of my pants literally every day— was not normal. And even after coming to terms with the fact that I really didn’t think other adults struggled this much just to get through each day, I still had this very big imposter syndrome about it. I talked myself into and out of the idea that I really had ADHD— after all, people often have spells of forgetfulness, a lot of people are chronically late and a little disorganized. I just couldn’t believe that this might be something that I had. But then, I started talking to my therapist and my psychiatrist about it and some more things started to click into place. The 3 of us worked together to put the puzzle pieces together, and we figured it out:

I have Inattentive ADHD, and I always have. It’s something that started in childhood, and regardless of the fact that this diagnosis was missed when I was younger, this is something that has always been a part of me.

Reckoning with my ADHD diagnosis has been a tumultuous journey for me. Getting told something new about yourself in your 30s is kind of a core-shaker. It both explains a lot about me, and also, is just a small part of who I am. I’ve always been perpetually late and disorganized. And I’ve also always been a sensitive, big feelings type of person. So integrating these two knowings about myself in realtion to my ADHD has become a helpful new thread to tie everything together to better understand myself.

There is also a little bit of grief that comes with it. I’m left wondering, what could I have done with this information had I gotten it sooner? If I had had access to meds or strategies for coping with ADHD for more of my life? It sometimes leaves me wondering about who I might have become with more knowledge and resources available to me. But for the most part, the struggle comes from imposter syndrome because I am so late to the club. I have so much to learn and so many decades that have passed not knowing. And I’m slowly coming to terms with that the only way I know how: by gobbling up as much information about it as I can.

One of those things I’m learning about is how my big emotions are somewhat tied to my ADHD. An often misunderstood symptom of ADHD is its impact on emotions, specifically, how it ties into emotional dysregulation and feelings of rejection or shame. I’m an empath, but more than that, I feel like a sponge— able to soak up any energy in the room— good or bad. Always a sensitive soul, I have known I was a Highly Sensitive Person, or HSP, for years. But that never quite seemed to capture all of it.

To be candid, my whole life I have been characterized as ‘overly sensitive,’ ‘too emotional,’ and someone with ‘big feelings.’ I am a bit of a black sheep in my family for that reason— one moment in particular stands out, when at my grandmother’s funeral, I was the only immediate family member crying. My grandfather walked over to me and gave me a hug and said, ‘oh that’s my crying girl.’

I stand out in stark contrast to my other family members for this— both immediate and far-reaching. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, feeling things in a way that others don’t seem to. I get exhausted by smalltalk and conversations without depth, always craving to go deeper with people. I struggle to draw a line between what is another person’s emotions and what is mine to take on. I often get deeply wounded in a way most don’t at the smallest perceived slights. Which brings me to an often overlooked side effect of ADHD, that a lot of people who have it— regardless of the type— deal with. And that is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

“Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations… For people with RSD, these universal life experiences are much more severe than for neurotypical individuals. They are unbearable, restricting, and highly impairing,” says Dr. William Dodson, of ADDitude Mag.

This is a new term to me, and I’ve really been trying to integrate it into my knowledge of myself and my new ADHD diagnosis. It’s been a particularly imporant thing to understand about how I operate, and why I am the way I am. When I started to put all the pieces together with my therapist, this is the thing that I kept coming back to. Even though the connection between emotional dysregulation and ADHD is still being understood, and the research and diagnostic tests are still catching up— this is something I see myself in. Specifically when it comes to learnign about RSD, it’s something that has made me feel more seen and understood than ever before.

It’s only the beginnning, but all I’m learning about ADHD and women is helping me understand part of my deep sensitivity, and also a little bit about how my brain works. ADHD brains are just wired differently, and that’s completely okay. Actually, it can kind of be a super power, if you use your ADHD brain magic well. I have so much more to learn about ADHD and how it affects me. But this is just the start of my journey, and for the first time, that’s kind of exciting.