I am not afraid to admit that I have been in therapy pretty much my whole life. I was an anxious kid with insomnia and nightmares, and my parents got divorced when I was 8, so it’s safe to say I have been in some sort of family therapy, individual therapy, sleep therapy, or school counselor program for a long time.

Now, I used to think this was a really good thing, and I still have pretty positive feelings about it. Being in therapy from a young age was definitely a good thing for a highly anxious kiddo like me. I have always really liked going to therapy, it was a safe place for me to speak my true feelings and work on skills for managing my anxiety, dealing with different relationships in my life, and just generally working on coping skills.

I also have always been pretty lucky to have therapists that I’ve really connected with. As a people-pleaser, I think part of me felt really good when I was praised by my therapists for being a good ‘student’ so to speak, or for being very self-aware and in touch with my feelings (ironically, this was a natural result of 20+ years of therapy). But most of all it was important to me to build trust with this person who helped me navigate my life story, in order to help me overcome some of my limiting beliefs about myself.

I have experienced a lot of different kinds of therapy and therapists in my life, all who served an important purpose. I had one therapist who helped me with grounding techniques like tapping and breathwork to help me get over some of my panic disorder tendencies and extremely anxious thought loops. I had another counselor who really became more like a friend, someone who always built me up and was rooting for me, no matter what. I saw her for nearly 10 years, which is insane to think about now, and it was a really positive realtionship for me for a long time. She was someone who I trusted to call me out when I was lying to myself but also would be there for me on my lowest days when I just needed some support.

In 2023, I dove really deep into trauma therapy, a realm I hadn’t explored before, and it was very intense and different than what I had been used to. I spent the first few months so emotionally wiped out from my sessions I had to take frequent naps just to kind of reboot my system. We did a lot of emotional / somatic inner work, which involved visualization, “parts” work, and trying to uncover my “stuck” points from my various traumas. It was a different and more immersive kind of therapy than I had ever done, and I think it was definitely necessary for me at that time in my life.

I had never had a therapist explain things to me as clearly as she did, and it made me feel really seen. It helped me cut myself some slack and be a little kinder to myself rather than wondering why I wasn’t “healed” or “over” something yet.

But after a year with of trauma therapy, it also helped me realize some other things— mainly, that I think I have talked through my traumas a lot throughout my life, and I am very intimate with them at this point. While I know I’ve done a lot of important personal work over the years, I have been getting to a point where I am not sure therapy is benefiting me like it used to. If I know my trauma so well at this point, it has left me wondering, is there really that much more I can work through with a therapist?

It has became clear to me now that I’m not really sure what “progress” with a therapist would truly look like at this point.

While there are definitely some relationships in my life that need tending to, and maybe some overdue conversations, I’ve realized that there’s not much action I am ready to take at this point in my emotional journey. I also have come to the realization that some of the conversations the younger version of me thought that would be necessary in order for me to heal, aren’t as important to me the way they used to be. I think this is partly because I have come to terms with not getting the apologies I used to so desperately need, and partly because I am at more of a place of acceptance in my life.

I am still a very staunch advocate for therapy, and I think I always will be. I believe that it’s something that benefits everyone, and that most families, relationships, and friendships are better when one or both parties are in therapy. And the benefits for me over the years are hard to quantify.

But for now, I am taking a little break from therapy. I know I will go back to it one day, and it’ll be at a time when I am ready to take some more tangible steps forward towards my goals. In the meantime, I’m trying to take all the things I’ve learned over the years, practicing on self-care, and generally just being kind to myself.